Decided to push in another post for the year 2007. This will most likely act as the closing/ summary for this year as we will be flying back to Home Sweet Home this coming Wednesday.
Well, feeling very excited needless to say.. but there is this nudging feeling that I feel every year around this time.. it's the time of the year where you ask yourself "what have I accomplished this year?"
So what have I accomplished this year? I think the most "spectacular" thing would be I have learned how to cook - a task which seemed formidable 9 months ago. Now I am proud to say that at least it's no problem to whip up a few dishes. I am assured now that if I have kids next time, I can be a Mum who can cook, just like our mothers.. :)
Ermm... what else shall I write? How did I pass my time here in Saint Louis? Nah.. maybe next time.. haha.. Just too lazy to type all that stuff out now...
Okie, a closing for the year 2007. It has been an enjoyable year for me. Never imagined that I will be able to spend these months away from home and in a country I thought I will only be able to visit when I'm in my 50s.. It can be considered a fruitful and valuable experience, though it does have its downs when I get depressed thinking of how my peers have progressed and I have not.. and the thought that I am not doing anything constructive. It has been hard, but I try to tell myself that, to a woman, the ultimate career is the Family. So I am going to work hard to build my core career now. Up There gave me the time now to do this, so this is the time that I am supposed to be working on my family, and I'm going to make sure I do it well. By the time I return home, I believe Up There will have a path for me to follow.. there will be another career for me to carve, and then I'll do what I am suppose to do then. Right now, I'm just going to excel in my family career! :) So this is the valuable lesson I have learned. There is always a reason for every happening in our lives. Seek and understand that reason, you feel happier and lighter.
Lastly, these past few months have really given me a fair amount of time to think and reflect upon myself and past actions and behaviours.
And it was only recently that I realised what an ungrateful brat I have been towards my mentor at work. Long story, but then I now know how easy it is to be sucked into a working culture and not see one's true self. It is easy to lose your way and forget who you really are. I had been lost for 20 months, swirling in a pool of venom, and biting the hand that fed me. And I am angry at myself that it took me so long to realise what a poor person I have been towards my mentor. How could I have forgotten all the help given? How could I have forgotten the kindness shown? And how could I have been so blind and thick-in-the head that I did not realise that the last meeting we had, he actually was hoping to clear up the air between us? I did not realise until now... and he must have thought what a lousy person I am.. and I am.. sighh... I now understand why he always say I'm not matured enough. I am not matured enough to draw the line between work and life. Not matured enough to deal with the negative energies flowing around the workplace. Not matured enough to differentiate between good and bad. And so-not-matured enough to let the surroundings influence me and my judgement, and that's why I lost myself. I treated my mentor like a foe. How foolish and ungrateful!! I really look down on myself whenever I think of this incident.. sighh... I just hope that now that I see the light, I will be able to pull myself out of any surroundings at the end of the day, go back to the original point and be myself. That is the only way to see clearly and not be blinded or influenced by external factors. (I know monks do this by meditating) Don't think it will be an easy feat, but I'm going to try. :)
Another person whom I felt I have treated badly is Jeff. This happened in 1999. We were still in Uni. Jeff was a first year who broke his leg before the school started. I remembered his mum accompanied him to UK, and I (being the Singapore Committee member) have been assigned to bring him to his class. I was rushing for my own class then. And so gan cheong was I that I walked at such a fast pace that Jeff could barely keep up on his crutches. Yes he was on crutches!! And now I remembered I actually suggested walking up the stairs when I found that waiting for the lift takes too long. What an insensitive bitch I am now that I think of it. Absolutely abhor myself to the nth degree!! And Jeff and his mum were too polite to suggest otherwise. Come to think of it, if I were Jeff or his mum, I probably would have told me off. I was really a downright insensitive ass. And like the previous case, I realised this only 2 years back!! I feel so ashamed of myself...
So for the closing of year 2007, I hope I can apologise to these 2 persons. Doesn't matter whether forgiveness is granted. Just want to let them know that I have realised what a lousy person I have been to them and am truly sorry for my behaviour. I hope we are still friends.
So that's the conclusion.. I hope to be a better person in 2008. And I hope I can speed up the process of my reflection and not realise my mistakes only years later. And lastly I hope everyone I love and care about (and of course those who loves and cares about me too) stays healthy and happy always.
Merry Christmas and Happy Happy New Year to all!!!
Well, feeling very excited needless to say.. but there is this nudging feeling that I feel every year around this time.. it's the time of the year where you ask yourself "what have I accomplished this year?"
So what have I accomplished this year? I think the most "spectacular" thing would be I have learned how to cook - a task which seemed formidable 9 months ago. Now I am proud to say that at least it's no problem to whip up a few dishes. I am assured now that if I have kids next time, I can be a Mum who can cook, just like our mothers.. :)
Ermm... what else shall I write? How did I pass my time here in Saint Louis? Nah.. maybe next time.. haha.. Just too lazy to type all that stuff out now...
Okie, a closing for the year 2007. It has been an enjoyable year for me. Never imagined that I will be able to spend these months away from home and in a country I thought I will only be able to visit when I'm in my 50s.. It can be considered a fruitful and valuable experience, though it does have its downs when I get depressed thinking of how my peers have progressed and I have not.. and the thought that I am not doing anything constructive. It has been hard, but I try to tell myself that, to a woman, the ultimate career is the Family. So I am going to work hard to build my core career now. Up There gave me the time now to do this, so this is the time that I am supposed to be working on my family, and I'm going to make sure I do it well. By the time I return home, I believe Up There will have a path for me to follow.. there will be another career for me to carve, and then I'll do what I am suppose to do then. Right now, I'm just going to excel in my family career! :) So this is the valuable lesson I have learned. There is always a reason for every happening in our lives. Seek and understand that reason, you feel happier and lighter.
Lastly, these past few months have really given me a fair amount of time to think and reflect upon myself and past actions and behaviours.
And it was only recently that I realised what an ungrateful brat I have been towards my mentor at work. Long story, but then I now know how easy it is to be sucked into a working culture and not see one's true self. It is easy to lose your way and forget who you really are. I had been lost for 20 months, swirling in a pool of venom, and biting the hand that fed me. And I am angry at myself that it took me so long to realise what a poor person I have been towards my mentor. How could I have forgotten all the help given? How could I have forgotten the kindness shown? And how could I have been so blind and thick-in-the head that I did not realise that the last meeting we had, he actually was hoping to clear up the air between us? I did not realise until now... and he must have thought what a lousy person I am.. and I am.. sighh... I now understand why he always say I'm not matured enough. I am not matured enough to draw the line between work and life. Not matured enough to deal with the negative energies flowing around the workplace. Not matured enough to differentiate between good and bad. And so-not-matured enough to let the surroundings influence me and my judgement, and that's why I lost myself. I treated my mentor like a foe. How foolish and ungrateful!! I really look down on myself whenever I think of this incident.. sighh... I just hope that now that I see the light, I will be able to pull myself out of any surroundings at the end of the day, go back to the original point and be myself. That is the only way to see clearly and not be blinded or influenced by external factors. (I know monks do this by meditating) Don't think it will be an easy feat, but I'm going to try. :)
Another person whom I felt I have treated badly is Jeff. This happened in 1999. We were still in Uni. Jeff was a first year who broke his leg before the school started. I remembered his mum accompanied him to UK, and I (being the Singapore Committee member) have been assigned to bring him to his class. I was rushing for my own class then. And so gan cheong was I that I walked at such a fast pace that Jeff could barely keep up on his crutches. Yes he was on crutches!! And now I remembered I actually suggested walking up the stairs when I found that waiting for the lift takes too long. What an insensitive bitch I am now that I think of it. Absolutely abhor myself to the nth degree!! And Jeff and his mum were too polite to suggest otherwise. Come to think of it, if I were Jeff or his mum, I probably would have told me off. I was really a downright insensitive ass. And like the previous case, I realised this only 2 years back!! I feel so ashamed of myself...
So for the closing of year 2007, I hope I can apologise to these 2 persons. Doesn't matter whether forgiveness is granted. Just want to let them know that I have realised what a lousy person I have been to them and am truly sorry for my behaviour. I hope we are still friends.
So that's the conclusion.. I hope to be a better person in 2008. And I hope I can speed up the process of my reflection and not realise my mistakes only years later. And lastly I hope everyone I love and care about (and of course those who loves and cares about me too) stays healthy and happy always.
Merry Christmas and Happy Happy New Year to all!!!
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